


No More Let Life Divide What Death Can Join Together

by MyParamour



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-08-25 16:31:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16664251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyParamour/pseuds/MyParamour
Summary: Shepard was good at a lot of things. She could command a ship full of people, she could out-maneuver her enemies in most situations and she was really, fucking great at pretending that she wasn’t afraid of anything. But right now, she was really afraid of what she might find if she kept walking.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If there are mistakes I'm sorry, I don't have a beta and I've typed this quickly.

The Huerta Memorial Hospital buzzed with the rush of people and equipment around her. She’d seen a handful of doctors wheel the Major into the emergency ward hours earlier. She’d wanted desperately to follow behind him but Councillor Udina had been alerted to her arrival and he’d swiftly lead her aside, assuring her that whatever it was she needed to do could wait until _after_ she’d met with the Council. The only trouble was that based on his state she wasn’t certain Kaidan would still be alive by the time she was free.

After a meeting in which the end result was, once again, the Councillors agreeing not to provide her with any assistance despite the legitimate problem of an army of reapers knocking at their door, Shepard felt exhausted. And as she trudged her way through the throngs of refugees already spilling onto the Citadel, a prick of fear began radiating deep in her stomach. By the time she reached the hospital lobby it had moved into her chest and for the first time since they went through the Omega 4 Relay, the weight of her fear threatened to overtake her.

Shepard was good at a lot of things. She could command a ship full of people, she could out-maneuver her enemies in most situations and she was really, fucking great at pretending that she wasn’t afraid of anything. But right now, she was really afraid of what she might find if she kept walking.

During her meeting with the Councillors she kept looking down at her omni-tool, hoping that she’d receive an update on how the Major was doing, but she’d received nothing. What if she asked about him and she was told that he didn’t make it?

She’d had a few moments with him before they landed on Mars but she felt stiff and awkward around him. She needed more time to explain what happened to her and why no matter what he thought, she _didn’t_ betray the Alliance, and him, and she couldn’t let their last words to one another be wrought in anger. If she stepped in further only to be told that she would never get a chance to make up with Kaidan, Shepard wasn’t sure what she would do.

“Commander Shepard!”

She heard the lilt of Doctor Michel off in the distance, and despite all of her reservations, Shepard made her way towards her.

“Dr. Michel, it’s nice to see you.”

She nodded her head in return and clutched her chart into her chest, “you as well, Commander. I suspect you’re here for Major Alenko?”

Shepard wanted to say yes but her fear began to boil over, and all that she could manage was a slight, very-forced smile along with a quiet, “mhm.”

Her trepidation was apparently obvious as Dr. Michel let out a short laugh, “you can relax, Commander. Major Alenko, although he took quite the beating, is fine. It was touch-and-go for a few moments but he came out the other end. Would you like to see him?”

“Please.”

She was lead down the hallway, past numerous rooms and as she snuck a peek through the windows she saw the state of the patients get increasingly worse. If Kaidan was in a room this far back, he must have really been close to dying.

_Don’t think about that._

The door to her right whooshed open and Shepard’s breath caught in her throat. Kaidan was being tended to by a female doctor, and she didn’t miss the physician's hand resting on his chest before the sound of the door opening forced her to jerk it away.

_I’d finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel._

Shepard had tried not to think about that particular passage in his email for months, but as her gaze focussed on the woman in front of her there was no denying that confession. 

She looked down and blinked one, two, three times before she tried her best to put her Commander face back on. The last thing she wanted in this moment was to have Dr. Michel and Kaidan’s probable partner see that he was her weakness. 

Kaidan looked almost lifeless laying on the bed in the centre of the room, with various IVs strapped to his body. The steady beep of the nearby EKG machine played a sombre tune as she crossed the threshold.

Shepard felt Dr. Michel’s hand on her arm, “we’ll give you a moment.”

“Thank you.”

She avoided the eyes of the other doctor and instead, she was so fixated on Kaidan’s form that when he door slid shut behind her she startled in place. Despite him being asleep she felt uncomfortable. This was the first time the two of them had been alone since before she died over Alchera. The last time she had a moment with him she was ordering him to leave her and get in an escape pod while she fetched Joker.

_“That’s an order.”_

__

__

_He opened his mouth to speak before closing it again. She knew what he’d wanted to say to her in that moment. ‘I love you’ died on his lips and instead what came out was, “aye aye, M’am.”_

In retrospect she should have called out after him and told him the extent of her feelings. She hated thinking that maybe she sounded cold towards him right before she left him stranded without her for two years.

 _Well, he wasn’t completely alone._ But from the way Joker had described the Major during the gap between Shepard’s death and rebirth she sometimes wondered if she got the better end of it. She may have lost two years but she didn’t have to spend that time mourning someone.

Her eyes spotted a metal stool in the corner of the room and she walked towards it before reaching out and sliding it towards Kaidan’s bed. Sitting down she took a moment to really look at him. His face and head were no longer the tanned colour that she’d loved and instead he was marked with purple and blue bruises, making him almost unrecognizable. If Liara were there she’d have said, “thank the goddess,” for the fact that he had kept his helmet on. Had it not been there at the time of the attack Shepard was certain that it would be her turn to mourn him, and she knew her mourning would have been a permanent fixture in her life.

“Oh, Kaidan.”

She couldn’t help herself and she reached outward, gently placing her hand across his left cheek. Slowly she slid her fingers downward toward his mouth, letting her thumb trace his lower lip before removing it from his face entirely. She didn’t want to stop touching him as memories of their time together flooded her mind, but it had been so long since they’d been together, and it felt wrong for her to initiate that kind of closeness while he was unconscious. 

Shepard breathed deeply, and wondered if he could hear her. 

“Kaidan, I… I hope you can understand me. I’m sure you can’t but - the Normandy and I can’t stay here to wait for you. Councillor Sparatus has us making our way to Palavan next and I… god. I wish you could come with us. We could use you.”

She ghosted her hand over his. 

“I could use you, Kaidan… like old times, yeah?” 

She bit the inside of her bottom lip to stop her voice from cracking. Her eyes darted to the clock in the corner of the room and she knew that she needed to get back to her ship. With a squeak across the floor she pushed the stool back and stood up, but not before leaning down and gently placing a kiss on Kaidan’s forehead.

“I need you to get better, Major. And that’s an order.”

******************

Palavan was burning.

Shepard crossed her arms over her chest and took a deep breath. She was at a safe distance from the Reaper attack and back on the Normandy, currently in the Starboard Observation Deck, and alone. After witnessing firsthand the attack on Earth, and after spending hours fighting the reaper army on Menae, she just wanted a moment to herself in order to collect her thoughts.

Despite knowing for a long time that the Reaper invasion was imminent, that didn’t make their attack any less overwhelming. She’d spent the past six months holed up in lockdown with the Alliance, unable to leave, unable to contact any of her friends or family, only to be shoved to the front of the fight, with so much responsibility. She was so fucking angry. She’d been trying to convince everyone to prepare for the fight ahead of them, but they were too damn scared to do anything about it. And now that the time had come, they’d hidden behind her in the hopes that she would figure out how to get them out of this mess.

She desperately needed someone to share her burden with, and the fact that they had run into Garrus on Manae had been nothing short of a blessing. 

But Palavan was still burning. And it, and earth, would continue to burn until they figured out a way to stop the Reapers once and for all.

The door clicked, and Shepard turned her head to lock eyes with the alien in question.

“Garrus.”

“Hey, Shep.”

He took the six steps to meet her where she stood and his mandibles twitched as he stared at the planet in front of him. “Leaving feels wrong.”

Shepard looked up at him, “I know. But if I’m to have a chance at sorting this out I need you here with me.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Shepard. I know that you need me to pull your ass out of the fire, and probably more than once in the near future, but my family’s down there. And it’s hard to reconcile the fact that the best chance for me to make a difference in this war is up here instead of planetside.”

“I’m sorry Garrus.” She reached out with her right hand and grabbed a hold of his. It took a moment to readjust to holding his three-fingered hand instead of five, but she knew that he needed her support as much as she need his. 

“Thanks, Shep. With you at the helm I know we’ll kick some reaper ass and before we know it I’ll be reuniting with my family back home.”

She smiled. And as she turned her eyes once more to the burning planet in front of them, she prayed he was right. That she could do this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments that I've received - they mean so much to me :)

She heard the main door slide open followed closely by the unmistakable sound of a 600 lb Krogan marching onto the bridge. 

“Shepard!”

She smiled as she looked up from the galaxy map and locked eyes with the beast. “Wrex!” She stepped down from her platform and quickly made her way towards him. “You’re late. The Dalatrass and the Primark have been waiting for an hour.”

Wrex let out a deep grumble and the Krogan equivalent of a smirk appeared on his face. “Good. You know I like to make an entrance.”

“Uh-huh. Next time don’t do it at my expense, okay? It’s harder to entertain them than you think.”

The last time they’d seen one another Shepard had successfully helped Grunt complete his rite and after three rounds of attack from a thresher maw followed by a quick but brutal fight against another clan, she’d elected to head back to her ship instead of allowing herself some real time to catch up with him. She sometimes wished she hadn’t.

She could’ve used the memories of spending time with someone else that she cared about while she was in lock-down. Six months of seeing no one but Alliance brass and James Vega had taken a toll on her psyche. Not that she disliked him - he seemed like a decent person but having someone constantly watch your back because they’re afraid you’re a second away from betraying them doesn’t exactly lead to a meaningful friendship. 

Shepard turned on her heels and lead him towards the war room, where the Salarian leader had practically worn treads into the floor from pacing.

“Urdnot Wrex,” the Primark nodded his head at their new party member as he stood up from his seat on the edge of the table. “Glad you could finally join us.”

“Yes. Although it should be expected that a Krogan doesn’t understand the importance of punctuality.”

Shepard held her hand out to Wrex, encouraging him not to respond to the Dalatrass’ slight. “With all due respect, he’s here now so let’s turn to why we’ve gathered here today.” She crossed her arms and walked towards the window, staring out into space before turning back towards the room. “Earth is under reaper attack and we’re in desperate need of assistance from the Council. Palavan is struggling under heavy fire and they need Krogan on the ground. Alliance scientists are trying to figure out what the catalyst is so we can finish building the crucible in the hope that whatever that machine is meant to do, it can wipe out the reapers- and help from the Salarians would go a long way to getting us there.”

Wrex huffed and waved his hand in dismissal. “Shepard, do you really think I’ll send the Krogan to fight for Palavan? After all they’ve done?”

She had been prepared for Wrex’s disagreement but hearing him say it out loud still irritated her. A retort was on the tip of her tongue but Victus beat her to it. “Without Krogan assistance I don’t know how long we have before Palavan falls completely.”

Shepard stepped forward and placed both of her palms on the table. “And if Palavan falls Earth isn’t far behind. Wrex, please. Councilor Sparatus promised that Earth might get some assistance if we could just get help for Palavan first. We _need_ this. Just tell me what you need me to do.”

Wrex took a deep breath and kicked his foot against the ground. “What do I need? I won’t order my clans to set foot on Palavan unless we get a cure for the genophage.”

“You can’t be serious.” The Dalatrass threw her hands into the air in disbelief. “And let the Krogan population rise enough to start another rebellion? That cannot happen.”

Wrex pointed his finger towards her, “my people have been through enough. We deserve this.”

The room was silent but the hatred that was coming from the Dalatrass was palpable. Shepard looked between the three aliens before her gaze fell onto Wrex’s. 

“Shepard, please. You know what this means to me.”  


_“Saren created a cure for my people and you want to destroy it.”_

_She took a breath inward, knowing that while she felt they had kindled a friendship between them her life was far less valuable to him than the potential lives of future Krogan._

_“Help me out here, Shepard. The lines between friend and foe are getting a little blurry from where I stand.”_

_She held her ground. “This isn’t a cure, it’s a weapon. If Saren is allowed to use it you won’t be around to reap the benefits. None of us will.”_

_He stepped closer, and his mass was so intimidating that she had to work extremely hard to not step back on instinct. He continued, his anger more clear in his voice, “that’s a chance we should be willing to take. This is the fate of my people we’re talking about. Can you not see what this means to the Krogan?”_

She’d felt lucky that day that he’d put his trust in her, and she’d fought every day since then to make sure that everyone else who did the same never regretted that choice.

“Of course I know, Wrex. I’m with you on this, I just need to know where to begin.”

Dalatrass Linron balked at Shepard’s agreement, “Commander, you can’t be agreeing to this? The humans weren’t around when we created the genophage. Do you know what kind of danger you’re putting us all in?”

Shepard raised her hand and squeezed the bridge of her nose between her thumb and pointer finger. “I don’t mean to be blunt but right now I care a hell of a lot more about stopping the reapers than about whatever your concerns are.”

Shepard’s admission silenced the Salarian and caused a laugh to bubble from Wrex’s throat. 

The Dalatrass eyed her, “if you do this you can forget about support from the Salarians. It’s us or the Krogan, you cannot have both.”

She weighed the pros and cons. If she accepted support from Linron she’d have scientific geniuses to help finish build the crucible. But if she accepted the Krogan’s proposal they’d have boots on Palavan, securing the Turian and Krogan armies at the same time, hopefully quashing a feud that had existed for hundreds of years in the process.

She’d made up her mind, and instead of answering Linron directly, Shepard turned her eyes back to Wrex. “What do you know about getting our hands on a cure for your people?”

******************************************

The shuttle lurched as they left the atmosphere of Sur’Kesh with the female Krogan and Mordin Solus in tow. 

She was incredibly grateful that Mordin turned out to be Wrex’s inside source in STG. With everything going on she was happy to see another familiar face. And had he not been there she knew that she would’ve had a much harder time getting the female off of the planet safely. Had she let anything happen to her Shepard was positive that the side of Wrex that he normally reserved for his enemies would’ve been aimed at her for once. She would happily go a whole lifetime without ever experiencing that. 

“We’ll be at the Normandy in a few minutes, M’am.”

Shepard nodded her head and smiled towards Cortez. “Thank you.”

The comm buzzed to life and the unmistakable voice of Joker echoed throughout the ship. “That’s only if I open the doors for you.”

She bit her lip to stifle a small laugh, not wanting to encourage him. “You do know that I can just command you to open them, right?”

There was a pause, followed by a sigh and a quiet, “you ruin all of my fun.”

Joker’s voice cut out before Shepard heard Wrex clear his throat. “It’s been three years but he hasn’t changed.”

When the ship docked Shepard made quick work of directing Mordin, Wrex and the female Krogan to Dr. Chakwas before making her way up to her quarters. She felt desperate for a moment of reprieve, having pushed hard since they’d left the Citadel without a real break. 

She noticed the light on her terminal flashing, so she sat down in her chair as the screen came to life. She clicked on her messages and her heart skipped a beat when she saw the name “Kaidan Alenko.”

She’d had no word on how he was doing since she’d left him behind at the hospital and she hadn’t realized how stressed she felt over how his recovery was going until she saw his name. If he was the person to message her then that must mean that things were going well. She hoped, at least.

She hovered over the email, a part of her feeling quite nervous about what he’d have to say to her. The last time they’d spoken he’d accused her of still working for Cerberus, and the next moment Kaidan had almost died. She swallowed, and took a breath before clicking on the subject “Doc Says I’m Ready for Visitors.”  
_  
Hey Shepard,_

_Through some combination of a medical miracle and dumb luck, I survived the beating I took on Mars. The doctors say I’m still not ready to be released, but I’d really like to see you if you could spare the time._

_Councilor Udina offered to make me a Spectre. Still thinking about whether or not I should accept. Stop by my room at the hospital when you’re on the Citadel. I’d like your advice._

_Thanks,_

_Kaidan._

She felt a pang of jealousy at the mention of doctors, knowing that one particular doctor had a potential interest in keeping Kaidan around for potentially longer than necessary, but she brushed that thought off as soon as she read he was offered to be a Spectre. While she’d only had one brief mission with him before he got injured, she could tell he’d grown so much since the first Normandy, and he was so deserving of this opportunity.

“Joker? Set a course for the Citadel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping that I can crack another chapter out over the weekend <3


	3. Chapter 3

She clenched her fist tightly and took a breath inward as she approached the door to Kaidan’s room. She’d had enough time before the Normandy reached the Citadel that she was able to go over every scenario in her head as to how this conversation could go. His message to her had seemed agreeable enough but she felt incredibly nervous regardless.

She took the two steps forward in order for the door mechanism to trigger and the sound drew Kaidan’s attention to her presence.

“Shepard. I’m glad you came.”

Her voice caught in her throat at the sight of him. He looked far more like himself than he had when she’d last been to Huerta Memorial but his face and body were still littered with bruises. She tried her best to keep her face holding a neutral expression as she inched forward. 

“Kaidan, hey.”

He nodded towards the metal stool, urging her to take a seat beside him. “Hey, Shep. How have you been?”

She sat down and readjusted the bottom of her shirt, “the Normandy’s been keeping busy, and I haven’t gotten much sleep since we left for Palavan but that was to be expected.”

Kaidan chuckled, the low sound reminding her of all of the times she’d made him laugh on the first Normandy. She’d missed hearing that.

“So I’ve heard. Joker’s been sending me updates. I think he feels bad that I’m stuck here rather than fighting the good fight.”

“When it comes to laying in a hospital bed compared to trying to herd the Krogan and Turians into an armistice, I think you’ve gotten the better end of this deal.” She smiled, “although I’m sure we could’ve found some use for you.”

Her eyes darted over his face, the deepest bruising going beneath his hairline. “How are you feeling?”

“The doctors say it could’ve been worse. Not much, but worse is still worse.”

“Is your implant still functioning?”

“I’ve been told it was rattled, but it’s hanging in there.”

“Rattled?”

“Well, you know. They used a lot more medical jargon but so far as my layman’s understanding can decipher, yeah. Rattled.” He smirked, and she wanted to tell him that no matter how rattled he was he still looked handsome, but she held her tongue. 

“I bet that’s exactly what your chart says.”

The corners of his mouth turned upwards for a brief moment before he looked away from her and out the window. “Shepard, I…”

She fidgeted with her fingers as her anxiety began to rise. “Yes?”

He sighed heavily before returning his gaze back to her. “We didn’t have much of a chance to talk before we landed on Mars. “

Shepard shook her head and touched the metal frame of his bed, gripping it lightly. “No, we didn’t. I had been hoping we’d have more time than that.”

“Me too. There are things that I wanted to apologize for.”

“You don’t have to do that, really.”

He reached out and ghosted his hand over hers, his hesitancy obvious. It had been so long since they’d shared any intimacy that Shepard didn’t want to let this chance slip, so she intertwined their fingers. 

Kaidan cleared his throat at the contact but he continued, “no, I think I do. When I saw you on Horizon I didn’t know what to think. I’d spent two years thinking you were dead, just to have you not only show up on the planet I was stationed on, but to suddenly be the one saving me. And then I saw that Cerberus logo on your armour, and my confusion doubled. You and I both know the experiments we witnessed Cerberus perform and then to have you working for them? It just made no sense.”

He raised his free hand and ran it through his hair, the same gesture he used to make when they’d first started flirting with one another all those years ago. She wanted to tell him she’d remembered that, but she didn’t want to stop his train of thought.

“I talked to Anderson afterwards and he told me everything he knew. That you told him you’d been dead for two years, that Cerberus rebuilt you, that the Collectors were attacking human colonies and that you were planning on stopping them, with or without Alliance help.”

“That’s certainly a mouthful.”

“Uh, yeah. It was a lot to take in, I’ll give you that. Though you’ve never been one to do the expected.” He smiled fondly at her and it made her heart swell. 

“So I’ve been told.”

He paused and ran his tongue across his lower lip, a move which absolutely drew in Shepard’s attention. “I was worried you wouldn’t come back, and that I’d missed my chance at getting you to forgive me for what I said to you that day.”

“There’s nothing to forgive, Kaidan. I’d have felt the same had roles been reversed. “

He tilted his head and raised his brows, “but they _weren’t_. Shepard, what I said to you - I’ve felt awful about it since. And what I said on Mars, asking you if you were still working for them, I don’t know what I was thinking. I’d been debriefed on you, I’d read your file, I knew you hadn’t had any contact but a part of me just wanted to hear you say it, I guess.”

“It’s okay. I know I was irritable on Mars but I can say it now if you’d like.”

He shook his head, “no. No, I don’t need that. I know better now. I should’ve known then, too.” He squeezed her hand in his, “I just want to know that you and I are okay.”

Shepard leaned forward, “of course we are, Kaidan.” She smiled, and for the first time in a while she felt some measure of relief. “We’ve lost two years, I want to put that behind us, if we can.”

He was about to respond when he door slid open, causing Kaidan to jerk his hand away in the process. 

“Wha ---” She turned her body towards the door, and saw the same female doctor she’d last seen attending to Kaidan step inside. The doctor looked in between them, and it didn't take much to see the look of jealousy that was in her eyes before she quickly changed her expression to a professional one.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you had a guest.”

Shepard ran her hands along her thighs before standing, pushing the stool back. “It’s no problem. I was needing to get going anyways.”

Kaidan stirred behind her, “oh. Okay, Commander.”

The formal tone made her internally grimace but she attempted to not let that show. She made her way towards the door before she remembered what he’d mentioned in his message, and she abruptly turned around. “Major.”

He looked towards her, avoiding the inquisitive gaze of the doctor, “Shep?”

“Take Udina’s offer.”

He held his arm out as the doctor readjusted his IV. “Yeah? You think I should?”

“Mhm. I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more.”

******************************************************

The artificial sunlight of the Citadel streamed into the windows of the hospital lobby, and Shepard took a moment to appreciate it. She wasn’t sure when she’d be able to come back again and hell, she didn’t even know if she’d live to see tomorrow. She didn’t want to squander anything. 

She let her eyes wander over the people moving about, and she audibly gasped when she saw him. The light hit his skin in such a way that he seemed more beautiful than ever. 

“Thane?”

She voiced his name so quietly that she was surprised when he turned to face her. “Siha!”

He took long strides to meet her and before she could adjust to her surprise he enveloped her in a tight embrace. She reached up and locked her hands around the back of his neck. “Oh my god, Thane.” She turned her head and placed a kiss on his cheek before leaning back and looking up at him. “I’ve missed you.”

He placed his hands on the sides of her face and pulled her in for a kiss. “I’ve missed you as well. I’ve sent you countless messages but never heard back. I was worried we might never see each other again.”

Shepard shook her head, “the Alliance kept me sequestered - I couldn’t have any outside contact, no messages in or out.” 

“Hmm.” He brushed her hair behind her ear before leaning down and placing a chaste kiss on her forehead. “Come. We have catching up to do.”

They exited the hospital and he lead her through the Presidium commons and to a small apartment along the Silversun Strip. He’d explained on the way that he’d purchased the place after Shepard turned herself in to the Alliance. He’d since devoted what time he had left to spending more time with Kolyat, to create as many fond memories for his son as he could before he went into the sea.

As he shut the door behind them Shepard glanced at the furnishings. Everything was clean, simple, and it seemed to suit the man that she’d grown to know so well the year prior. 

She sat down on the couch closest to her. “How is Kolyat?”

Thane removed his jacket, placing it along the arm of the couch before joining her. “He’s been well. I managed to convince Captain Bailey to let him join C-Sec, put what skills he has to good use. I think he’s grown fond of the work.”

Shepard reached her hand out and placed it on his thigh. “Good, I’m glad. I know how important that is to you - for him to have honest work.”

“It is.” He opened his mouth to say more but instead he coughed, ducking his head into his elbow to cover it. 

“Is that why you were at the hospital today?”

He wheezed slightly before leaning back into the cushions. “Yes. Kepral’s has steadily been worsening. The doctors want me to stay at the hospital, but I don’t want to spend what time I have left confined to that place.”

She frowned and turned her eyes towards the floor. “I wouldn’t, either.”

Silence fell between them, neither of them wanting to discuss just how close he was to reaching the end. 

“And you? What brings Commander Shepard to Huerta Memorial?”

“Oh, I… do you remember me telling you about Kaidan Alenko?”

“Of course.” His eyes flickered before he was pulled into a memory. “She stares at me from across the table. Chocolate-coloured hair curling down her back, blue eyes wide with tears threatening to spill. _“He means a lot to me. But after what he said to me today, I’m not sure if he would say the same about me anymore.”_ ” Thane blinked, the memory leaving him. 

Shepard laughed, “that’s right. You remember everything.”

He smiled softly at her and placed his hand on his chest. “I do.”

What Thane meant to her was something that she had trouble putting into words. It felt serendipitous, their meeting one another. Thane had spent ten years mourning the murder of his wife and mother of his child only to be told that he was terminally ill, while Shepard was reeling with the knowledge that she had _died_ , been brought back to life for the sole purpose of saving the galaxy, and trying to mend whatever was left of the previous relationships that her death had left behind. They’d needed comfort from one another desperately, and they both realized it.

But she had been honest with him. About everything. After Horizon Shepard told Thane everything about what Kaidan was to her, or what he had been; what she’d hoped he could be in the future. In turn, Thane had relinquished his closely-guarded memories of his late wife and she’d tried her best to unburden him of his own survivor's guilt. They’d been confidants, and the trust that they built with one another lead to love. But neither of them were under the impression that this was it. Thane knew that Shepard’s heart really belonged to someone else just as Shepard knew that Thane would never stop loving Irikah, and that when his disease killed him, it would be his wife that his soul would return to. But they needed the physical intimacy that they could both provide one another. 

“When the reapers attacked Earth we both left on the Normandy together. Hackett sent us to Mars where Kaidan took a severe beating. I was at the hospital to pay him a visit.”

“How is he?”

“Doing well, I think. I doubt he’ll be released anytime soon, but he survived.”

“We have to take all the mercy that’s given to us in a time like this.”

Shepard leaned back on the couch, pulling her legs towards her. “We do.” She looked at him, appreciating the uniqueness of his alien features. His large, dark eyes, the multitude of colours that made up his scales, all blending together to form something more beautiful than any human skin could ever hope to be, and his hands, almost like hers but with his middle and ring fingers fused together. He was spectacular. 

“Thane. “

He looked at her with question written in his eyes but he didn’t speak.

“I’ve really missed you.”

He moved his hand from his chest and ran it through her hair, an act that she knew always fascinated him. Drell women didn’t have hair like humans, and he’d liked to touch it when he’d had the chance. 

She used his distraction to lean forward and kiss the side of his mouth. Before she could kiss him again he gripped the base of her hair and tugged. The sensation made her gasp and he turned her head to gain access to her neck. He gently bit at her pulse and she felt a familiar warmth stir in her lower abdomen. 

“Siha.” He pulled back from her and inhaled a shaky breath. “You should know that my cardiovascular system is not what it used to be.”

She didn’t answer and instead she pushed him back against the sofa before she stood. He gave her an inquisitive look but she held her finger over her mouth to silence him. Shepard reached for the bottom of her shirt and pulled it over her head, tossing it onto the floor. She slowly undid the belt of her pants, popping the button open and pushing them down her legs before stepping out of them.

She watched as Thane stared up at her, unblinking. The thought that he was burning this into his memory and he could revisit this when he was alone excited her. She hooked her thumbs into her panties and slowly pulled them down, revealing herself to him before undoing her bra and dropping it beside her feet. She climbed back onto the couch and straddled him. His hands shot to her waist and he gripped her tightly as he thrust upwards, his excitement already evident.

She pressed her hand to his chest to steady herself before she leaned down, kissing his forehead, his left cheek, his right cheek, and finally meeting his lips. A sound emitted from his throat and the timbre of it made her want him to fuck her _now_. 

Shepard leaned back and placed her hands on his pants, making quick work of the fastenings before she slipped off of him, pulling the material down with her. He lifted his hips to assist and she wasted no time in divesting him of his undergarments before promptly reclaiming her place in his lap. 

Thane’s hands cupped her breasts, the feeling of his scales raking against her caused added friction, intensifying the sensation. “Thane.” She placed her hands over top of his, “I’ve been dreaming of you touching me for six months.”

Her words spurred him on, “lie down.”

She slid off of him and laid with her back on the couch cushions as he sat up, pulling his shirt up and over his head before discarding it next to her clothing on the floor. Each of his hands touched either of her knees and he slid them down towards her centre, encouraging her to open her legs for him. He positioned himself in between her and leaned in, placing a kiss in between her breasts. 

“I’ve been reliving memories of being inside you.” His mouth encompassed her nipple and she squirmed as he sucked hard before relinquishing. “You have tormented me, Siha.”

His hands slid downward under her ass before he pulled her pelvis up to meet his. He lined himself up and slowly filled her. It had been so long since they’d joined and the stretch to accommodate his girth was a feeling she had sorely missed. “Fuck.”

He thrust in and out, trying to coax her body into relaxing. Shepard reached for him, and he took a moment to rest his forearms on the cushion on either side of her head, being careful not put too much of his weight on her. She hooked her legs around his torso, encouraging him to continue. 

It felt so good to be filled. She’d been so tightly wound for months on end, she needed to be able to let go.

Thane dropped his head into the crook of her neck and she felt hot breathe along her ear as he began to pick up his pace. The drag of his cock inside of her made her whimper, and he slid his tongue along her neck in response. “The sounds you make, Siha. You undo me.”

He pushed into her once more before he sat up. “Get on me.”

She followed without question and quickly returned to her previous position, impaling herself on him. She gasped as he was fully sheathed and she bit her lip to stifle another. His hands returned to her hair and hers rested on his shoulders for purchase as she began to rock in a circular motion. His face was so close to hers and she couldn’t help but kiss him as she rode him. His lips were so soft and she wanted to savour every moment.

She was so distracted by the taste of his lips that she didn’t notice him maneuver his right hand down to her clit. She whined as he rubbed her in tandem with her grinding and she was surprised at how quickly she came to finishing. The clenching of her come down drove Thane on and he held her hips to his as he thrust upward one, two, three times before he pulled her into his chest as she felt the pulsing of his orgasm inside of her.

The only sounds in the apartment were their breathing as they both receded from the high. Being there with him Shepard suddenly felt overcome with the gravity of his illness. This could be the last moments they have together. As precarious as the reaper invasion was, there was a chance she could make it out of this alive. But she knew he wouldn’t. Thane was going to die, and she hoped she could make his remaining time as enjoyable as possible.

She breathed deeply to stop the tears she felt forming before she looked at him. She rubbed his frills, and leaned in for another kiss, lingering before pulling back.

“I love you.”


	4. Chapter 4

She opened her eyes and groaned as she took a peak at the time displayed on the clock on her nightstand: 4:47 a.m. She rolled onto her back and stared up into the window located in the ceiling above her bed. Shepard often found that looking up into the stars calmed her; something about knowing that there were galaxies not yet explored, new life not yet found, it made her feel insignificant. It made her feel like her problems and stressors didn’t amount to much in comparison to the vastness of universes that were out there. She took a deep breath and reached her hands up, wiping the sleep from her eyes. 

But this morning she felt like she needed more than just star-gazing.

She pulled her comforter back and sat up, placing her feet on the cold metal floor before she lifted her arms up in a stretch. Shepard took another breath as she stood up and grabbed her workout gear from her wardrobe before making her way down to the small gym.

She’d felt so angry recently. Angry that no one besides her team would listen to her about the Reapers over three whole years ago, angry that she had died, angry that Cerberus couldn’t well-enough leave her corpse alone, angry that the Alliance hadn’t listened to her cries for help, angry that the man she loved didn’t trust in her, angry that she’d been locked up for six months while the fucking Alliance investigated her actions rather than preparing for the reaper attack that she’d screamed at them would happen. 

Shepard couldn’t remember the last time she didn’t hold anger deep within her. She was starting to get worried that she’d never be rid of it. 

_It won’t matter if I die. Again._

She shook her head, trying to knock that thought out of her mind. She had work to do, thinking about her own potential failure wouldn’t serve her well. 

She slipped her gloves on and headed towards the punching bag that hung from the ceiling. She knew that what she really needed was proper therapy, but she also knew that there wasn’t any time for that. She would deal with her issues when the reapers were defeated. Not before.

She began with light punches, trying to warm her body up. The bag was sturdy, and it only swung a small amount as she began to get a rhythm going, but the more she punched, the more she felt like she needed to go harder. She stepped back and shook her arms out, preparing herself. Her mind went back to her N7 training - it felt like she went through that a lifetime ago, but in reality she knew that it had been less than 10 years since she'd enrolled. 

Shepard was grateful the gym was empty as she unleashed a barrage of kicks and punches on the helpless bag in front of her. A thrum of energy pulsed through her, and she couldn’t help herself as she allowed her body to flare. As the number of swings she took rose, the more she could feel the need for a release of her biotics. 

She twisted on her heel to kick the bag with her left foot before she put all of her energy into throwing a right hook, unleashing a full biotic punch onto the bag, ripping the bolts out of the ceiling and allowing the bag to drop to the ground in front of her, right as she let out a scream at the sensation rippling through her. 

She hunched forward and breathed deeply to compose herself. 

“Jesus Christ, Lola. Remind me to never get into another dance with you.”

Shepard whipped her head around and stood upright, staring back at James who had taken a few steps into the room. “Oh, I…” She turned and looked back at the wreckage she’d caused before finishing her sentence. “...would you believe me if I said it was a reaper?”

He quirked his brow and let out a short laugh, “no, but if that’s the explanation you’re gonna give to maintenance just tell me when, I wanna be there to see the looks on their faces.”

Shepard smiled and bit her lip. “I got a bit carried away.”

James held his hands up, “hey, I get it. You’ve got a lot on your plate. If you need to break some equipment to handle the pressure, I’ve got your back.”

She thanked him before picking up the rest of her gear and heading back to her room, ready for a shower to help calm her back down.

****************************

She activated the second hammer and immediately ran for cover, right as the Reaper shot a beam in her direction, scorching the ground where she had stood only seconds before. Her adrenaline was pumping, and she turned to her left as she heard the pounding footsteps of another brute headed in her direction. 

“Are you fucking serious?!” James screamed from beside her and she resolutely shared that sentiment. Seven other brutes had charged after them along the way to the hammers and every one had been taken down by her squad, but the more they encountered the harder they were to defeat. 

They’d been _gogogo_ for what felt like hours and all three of them were sweaty and exhausted. They were close to the shroud but they still had obstacles barrelling towards them. 

“Garrus!” She looked to her six and made eye contact with Vakarian. He nodded, knowing what she needed him to do without any words and he leapt out from cover, firing a concussive shot in the direction of the brute. As the bullet travelled Shepard stood, loading her biotic charge. Garrus’ attack stunned it, right as Shepard flew forward and slammed into it. The combination of the assaults flew it backwards, smashing back into a set of concrete stairs, the material breaking beneath the weight of it. 

Shepard rolled back into cover before she quickly switched to her shotgun, and James joined her with his assault rifle and they both unloaded on the animal until it’s head rolled back, lifeless. 

The sound of the hammers grew in intensity, and the three of them ducked back behind nearby pillars, out of view of the Reaper that had taken its stand in front of the shroud. 

The ground shook, and animalistic shrieks could be heard in the distance. Shepard turned, trying to find the location of Wrex and the other Krogan, breathing a sigh of relief as she spotted them standing back at a safe distance. 

James gasped as the largest thresher maw Shepard had ever seen crashed through the surface of the dirt and flew into the air, directly aiming for the reaper’s head. The machine shifted out of the way and fired a laser into its body before the maw dove back into the ground. Turian ships flew overhead, firing their weapons at the reaper before quickly pulling back, being no match for it.

Shepard almost choked on her own dread at the sight. _How the fuck are we supposed to do this?_ But just as she started to try and formulate another attack, the ground beneath them shook again, and the thresher maw appeared and lunged once more, opening its mouth wide before it’s teeth broke through the reaper, the scraping creating a crunch sound at a decibel she’d never heard before. The thresher maw twisted, taking out the legs of the machine as it slowly began to drag it back into the ground. 

The three of them watched with rapt attention at the sight until both the thresher maw and the reaper were no longer in sight. They waited, making sure that neither would resurface before they left the safety of their cover, and joined back up with Wrex and the others as they continued their way to the shroud.

The fighting had left it badly damaged and fires were burning throughout the tower. The heat inside was intense, but she followed Mordin through to a command panel. 

“Mordin, is the cure ready?” Right as she finished her question the building shook, almost knocking her off of her feet.

“Yes.” He kept his eyes on the buttons in front of him as he answered her, “loaded for dispersal in two minutes. Eve is stable. Transportation was traumatic, but not lethal.”

Another explosion rocked the building, and a massive beam fell from the ceiling and landed with a crash twenty feet from them. 

Mordin paused his typing and looked towards her, “there’s a control room at the top of the shroud tower. Must take the elevator up.”

Shepard opened her mouth in shock, “Mordin, you can’t go up there! This place is coming down!”

“Manual access is required. Have to counteract STG sabotage. Ensure cure dispurses properly.” She would make sure the Dalatrass paid for that.

She shook her head, “this whole place is falling apart, there has to be some other way.”

“Remote bypass is not possible. No time to adjust cure for temperature barriers.” He looked down at his omnitool, his rapid-thinking evident on his face. “No. No other option. Not coming back.” He lifted his gaze up to meet hers, his large eyes full of contemplation. “I suggest you get back. Explosion is likely to be… problematic.”

She’d seen so many good people die. She didn’t want to witness another one. “Mordin ---”

He held his hand up to her before he swiftly turned, marching towards the elevator. “Shepard, please. Need to do this. My work. My cure. My responsibility.”

She gaped at him, unsure of what to say. She knew he was right, but that didn’t make losing a friend any less painful. “I’m sorry.”

He smiled. “I’m not. Had to be me. Someone else might’ve gotten it wrong.”

The elevator door closed, and whooshed upward, taking another piece of Shepard’s life off to die. She stared at where Mordin had just stood, lost in her own mind before the ground shook again, pulling her out of her thoughts. She quickly made her way back to where she’d come from before signalling everyone to get as far as they could away from the tower. 

They waited, and about 60 seconds later the shroud exploded, dispersing the cure into the air above them. He’d done it.

But she’d lost one more person who’d meant so much to her. And she wondered how many more she’d have to lose before this was all over.


End file.
